So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
