i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
