Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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