I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
