I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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