My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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