Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
