just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
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So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My liver just had a heart attack.
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dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?