I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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