He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
