dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
