Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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