The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
