Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
FUCK WHALES
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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