You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
