I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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