I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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