Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
