Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
