if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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