new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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