You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
