I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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