I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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