She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
im six kinds of drunk right now
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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