arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
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The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
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It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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