oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
