I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
