I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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