I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
