Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My penis needs a shock collar
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
