Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You are the jesus of drinking
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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