two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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