just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
