i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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