Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
