allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
