i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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