so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
