i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
she peed on how many people?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
