I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
