Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
