I got chris browned last night
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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