I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Who died my cat blue again?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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