I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
