I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
