Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
