I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
