i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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