I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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