Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
