Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
