Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
