I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
