and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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